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32 tips to be more assertive

32 tips to be more assertive

Do you consider yourself to be assertive or would you like to improve your assertiveness skills? Don’t be fooled into thinking that loud and brash is assertive, because it isn’t.

Assertiveness means bringing a balance between vocalising your own needs through good communication, while taking into account the needs of others.

It is not easy to be assertive, particularly if you are naturally introverted, however you can learn some useful skills. Here are our 32 tips to be more assertive.

  1. Recognise who you are and examine the good and bad aspects of your personality. When you know your own value, it is easier to use this as a basis for self-confidence. Assertiveness will build on the self-confidence.

  2. Understand that in order to fulfil your full potential, your needs must be met. You must see to this yourself.

  3. Protect your own rights.

  4. Recognise the value in other people. Understand what their skills are and what they bring to the table. This makes it easier for you to see when to allow someone else to ‘win’, or will help you find the common ground between you that you can both work with.

  5. Respect the rights of others.

  6. Don’t just focus on problems – try and find the solutions.

  7. Do the things you can do. Ask for help with the things you can’t. Watch and learn. Thank people for their assistance. Try it yourself next time. Ask for feedback.

  8. Empathise with others, but be fair on yourself.

  9. Understand that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Just as you treat others the same way.

  10. Stop apologizing. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry”, try saying, “Thank you for your patience.” Show your value, in a dignified way.

  11. Don't leave it to someone else to figure out what you need.

  12. Don’t accept responsibility for the poor behaviour of others. Don’t beat yourself up about what people say or do to you.

  13. If people react badly when you practice being assertive – by behaving resentfully or becoming angry – remember that this is down to them. They control their reactions. You should only respond with dignity, do not return their negativity. You control yourself, not others.

  14. You can be negative, or disagree, just try and do so in a healthy and positive way. “I didn’t enjoy that, but it was a useful experience.”

  15. You can be angry, but always be respectful.

  16. Speak your mind, but protect other people’s feelings.

  17. Control your emotions. This can be easier said and done if you are stressed, sad, angry or frustrated.

  18. Accept compliments graciously. Accept criticism with the same positivity.

  19. Understand that it is perfectly OK for you, or someone else, to make a mistake.

  20. Learn to say "No" when you need to.

  21. Know your limits. Set your boundaries.

  22. Suggest alternatives.

  23. If you find yourself in a hostile situation, back away from it, or take time out.

  24. If you disagree with someone, try saying something like, “I understand your opinion but I do not agree.”

  25. Remember, there is a difference between making a point and making someone agree with you.

  26. If assertiveness is a real issue for you, start small. Work up to tougher situations.

  27. Don’t feel guilty. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive most of your life.

  28. Practice deep breathing to control the fear, worries and anxiety you have about expressing a different opinion or asking for what you want.

  29. Be specific about any complaint you have and cite concrete examples. Try to eliminate emotion and ‘feelings’.

  30. Ask for more time if you need it.

  31. Eliminate unassertive words if you catch yourself using them, such as “I’ll try” or “I’m just” etc.

  32. Keep practicing. It takes time to undo your lack of assertiveness.

Remember, when you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily expect to get it. You are therefore open to negotiation. Taking what you want, demanding what you want, without regard for others, is aggressive behaviour. Sorting an amicable solution, is a graceful response.

Good luck!

Created by Tom Vermeersch

Tom Vermeersch

Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.

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32 tips to be more assertive

32 tips to be more assertive
32 tips to be more assertive

Do you consider yourself to be assertive or would you like to improve your assertiveness skills? Don’t be fooled into thinking that loud and brash is assertive, because it isn’t.

Assertiveness means bringing a balance between vocalising your own needs through good communication, while taking into account the needs of others.

It is not easy to be assertive, particularly if you are naturally introverted, however you can learn some useful skills. Here are our 32 tips to be more assertive.

  1. Recognise who you are and examine the good and bad aspects of your personality. When you know your own value, it is easier to use this as a basis for self-confidence. Assertiveness will build on the self-confidence.

  2. Understand that in order to fulfil your full potential, your needs must be met. You must see to this yourself.

  3. Protect your own rights.

  4. Recognise the value in other people. Understand what their skills are and what they bring to the table. This makes it easier for you to see when to allow someone else to ‘win’, or will help you find the common ground between you that you can both work with.

  5. Respect the rights of others.

  6. Don’t just focus on problems – try and find the solutions.

  7. Do the things you can do. Ask for help with the things you can’t. Watch and learn. Thank people for their assistance. Try it yourself next time. Ask for feedback.

  8. Empathise with others, but be fair on yourself.

  9. Understand that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Just as you treat others the same way.

  10. Stop apologizing. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry”, try saying, “Thank you for your patience.” Show your value, in a dignified way.

  11. Don't leave it to someone else to figure out what you need.

  12. Don’t accept responsibility for the poor behaviour of others. Don’t beat yourself up about what people say or do to you.

  13. If people react badly when you practice being assertive – by behaving resentfully or becoming angry – remember that this is down to them. They control their reactions. You should only respond with dignity, do not return their negativity. You control yourself, not others.

  14. You can be negative, or disagree, just try and do so in a healthy and positive way. “I didn’t enjoy that, but it was a useful experience.”

  15. You can be angry, but always be respectful.

  16. Speak your mind, but protect other people’s feelings.

  17. Control your emotions. This can be easier said and done if you are stressed, sad, angry or frustrated.

  18. Accept compliments graciously. Accept criticism with the same positivity.

  19. Understand that it is perfectly OK for you, or someone else, to make a mistake.

  20. Learn to say "No" when you need to.

  21. Know your limits. Set your boundaries.

  22. Suggest alternatives.

  23. If you find yourself in a hostile situation, back away from it, or take time out.

  24. If you disagree with someone, try saying something like, “I understand your opinion but I do not agree.”

  25. Remember, there is a difference between making a point and making someone agree with you.

  26. If assertiveness is a real issue for you, start small. Work up to tougher situations.

  27. Don’t feel guilty. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive most of your life.

  28. Practice deep breathing to control the fear, worries and anxiety you have about expressing a different opinion or asking for what you want.

  29. Be specific about any complaint you have and cite concrete examples. Try to eliminate emotion and ‘feelings’.

  30. Ask for more time if you need it.

  31. Eliminate unassertive words if you catch yourself using them, such as “I’ll try” or “I’m just” etc.

  32. Keep practicing. It takes time to undo your lack of assertiveness.

Remember, when you are assertive, you ask for what you want but you don't necessarily expect to get it. You are therefore open to negotiation. Taking what you want, demanding what you want, without regard for others, is aggressive behaviour. Sorting an amicable solution, is a graceful response.

Good luck!




Bach flowers mix 44: Performance anxiety

Bach flowers mix 44 helps to:

  • Have more self-confidence
  • Remove performance anxiety
  • Prevent panicking
  • Believe in yourself more
  • Be more calm and peaceful
Discover how Bach flowers mix 44 can help you
Marie Pure

Other articles


have you considered yoga

Have you considered yoga? The advantages of practicing yoga

Have you considered yoga? There are many advantages to practicing yoga. It is a holistic practice benefitting you physically, emotionally & mentally.

Read the complete article

How to prove your value

How to prove your value

Feel like everyone takes you for granted? Whether it's working late to prepare a presentation or cooking a special birthday meal for your partner, it's nice to be appreciated when you've made an extra effort. And if it seems as if people don't notice, you might feel as if no one values you.

Read the complete article

10 Tips to get the best out of every day

10 Tips to get the best out of every day

When we’re stuck in a bit of a rut, the days and nights slip past so quickly that we barely notice them. But life is not a rehearsal!

Read the complete article

Six things we think will make us happy, but don't!

Six things we think will make us happy, but don't!

When you think about things that will make you happy, what are the images that come to mind? Wealth, beauty, a dream house, long holidays, a top of the range car? Happiness is not a constant and how happy we feel depends on the way we choose to live our lives. 

Read the complete article

Is your sex life putting your relationship at risk

Is your sex life putting your relationship at risk?

Sexual desire is a complex interaction of hormones, emotions and well-being. When your partner is not as interested in sex as you are, it’s rarely a rejection of you as a person. So it’s essential to be as empathetic as you can regarding your differing libidos.

Read the complete article

What makes it so hard to go back to school

What makes it so hard to go back to school?

Going back to school during a pandemic is a new experience for everyone, and it's understandable if children are feeling anxious about it. We take a look at some of the issues and how you can help your child to get ready for returning to the classroom.

Read the complete article

Choose for your happiness

Choose for your happiness!

Being happy is something everybody strives for, but unfortunately there are a lot of people who go through life unhappily. A lot of people take life how it is.

Read the complete article

How to stop everything going wrong

How to stop everything going wrong

Do you always feel that everything’s always going wrong? Find out how to stop this cycle of bad thoughts in its tracks. When you think positively, things will start to appear positive and you will eventually feel more positive and optimistic.

Read the complete article

What can you do if your kid doesn't want to go back to school

What can you do if your kid doesn't want to go back to school?

What can you do if your kid doesn't want to go back to school? Here are our hints and tips to help if your child is expressing a refusal to go to school.

Read the complete article

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As parents, we often worry about a poor school report as much, if not more, as our kids do! And if your child's grades are slipping, you'll be looking for reasons and if there's anything you can do to help.

Read the complete article

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