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What to do when the spark is fading

What to do when the spark is fading

Why do you feel butterflies at the start of a new romance, and how can you keep the flame burning in a long term relationship as the spark starts to fade?

At the start of a new relationship, you're on Cloud Nine with that "first-date" butterfly feeling. But the euphoria seems to fade after a few months, and as time passes, the relationship can start to feel predictable and stale. But is it possible to keep excitement and romance going in a long term relationship?


What causes that first date feeling?

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach that you experience when you first start dating someone new is all down to your hormones, especially vasopressin in men and oxytocin in women.

Other hormones such as dopamine and serotonin, the feel-good hormones, also play their part. Physical reactions such as a dry mouth, sweaty palms and your heart going pit-a-pat are the result of increased levels of adrenalin, a hormone your body releases when you are stressed. These are the signs and symptoms of "love at first sight".

However, we can't maintain these intense feelings of" being in love". When you settle down into a long-term relationship, you feel comfortable and relaxed with one another, and the euphoria fades. When you understand this concept, the worry that you might no longer love your partner enough will disappear.

Once you settle down, the emotions in a relationship will wax and wane over the years. This is natural, but there's a risk that your relationship will become routine and boring. Luckily, there are several steps you can take to keep the spark alive.

1. Try new things together

The thing about a new relationship is not just the romance. It's that it's new, and new things stimulate our brains. Every now and then, try out new experiences together. Take a cooking class, volunteer at a food bank, or take tennis lessons together. Learning something new can help you to recapture that warm, fuzzy feeling.

2. Surprise your partner

Small surprises keep the excitement going and will help to stop you from getting stuck in a rut. The possibilities are endless: treat them to a weekend away, bring them breakfast in bed, cook a special meal, or come home with a small gift. Small surprises

3. Enjoy date nights with your partner

During the early days of a relationship, most couples go out regularly on dates. But as time passes, going out for coffee, to the cinema or for dinner is often swapped for watching a box set on the couch. Reinforce your relationship by scheduling quality time together as often as you can.

4. Talk to each other

Don't forget to talk about what's important. Once a relationship becomes a habit, it's easy to forget all the romantic things you used to say. Don't stop expressing your emotions and telling your partner that you love them.

5. Build anticipation with messages

When you're away, text messages help to build excitement about when you meet up again. Spicing things up with some sexy messages is an easy way to rekindle the flame in your relationship.

6. Get physical

Frequent physical contact expresses intimacy and affection, essential for a healthy long term relationship. Give your partner a hug or a cuddle when they leave for work or arrive home, or touch their arm as you pass them. Physical contact doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex. But if your sex life is underwhelming, Bach Flower Mix 41 can help to treat a lack of desire.

7. Create goals together

Establish some goals that you can aim for as a couple. Your targets could be anything from saving for a mortgage deposit, running a marathon, or ticking off destinations on your travel bucket list. Shared goals not only let you work as a team, but they also give you things to do together and plenty of topics to talk about.

8. Spending time with others who have good relationships

Spending time with other couples who share your values and are in strong, long term relationships can reinforce your own commitment. Positive role models help to inspire and motivate you to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.

9. Talk about your dreams and aspirations

When you were first dating and getting to know one another, you probably talked about your aspirations and dreams. As time passes, these types of conversations tend to get forgotten. We assume we know everything there is to know about our partner. Make time to discuss your goals and future hopes, and help each other to bring these dreams to life.

10. Stay curious

As a relationship matures, people tend to change the type of questions they ask each other. "What is your earliest memory?" gets replaced with" Did you remember to buy milk?". Rather than keeping the conversation superficial, ask your partners opinions and thoughts about their past, as well as about current events and topics.

A final thought

While focusing on your relationship, don't forget to look after yourself. If your life is very intertwined with that of your partner's, you're at risk of losing your own identity. Make sure your own hobbies, friendships and interests aren't squeezed out. Establishing and maintaining autonomy and independence will rekindle your attraction for each other.

Created by Tom Vermeersch

Tom Vermeersch

Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.

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What to do when the spark is fading

What to do when the spark is fading
What to do when the spark is fading

Why do you feel butterflies at the start of a new romance, and how can you keep the flame burning in a long term relationship as the spark starts to fade?

At the start of a new relationship, you're on Cloud Nine with that "first-date" butterfly feeling. But the euphoria seems to fade after a few months, and as time passes, the relationship can start to feel predictable and stale. But is it possible to keep excitement and romance going in a long term relationship?

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What causes that first date feeling?

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach that you experience when you first start dating someone new is all down to your hormones, especially vasopressin in men and oxytocin in women.

Other hormones such as dopamine and serotonin, the feel-good hormones, also play their part. Physical reactions such as a dry mouth, sweaty palms and your heart going pit-a-pat are the result of increased levels of adrenalin, a hormone your body releases when you are stressed. These are the signs and symptoms of "love at first sight".

However, we can't maintain these intense feelings of" being in love". When you settle down into a long-term relationship, you feel comfortable and relaxed with one another, and the euphoria fades. When you understand this concept, the worry that you might no longer love your partner enough will disappear.

Once you settle down, the emotions in a relationship will wax and wane over the years. This is natural, but there's a risk that your relationship will become routine and boring. Luckily, there are several steps you can take to keep the spark alive.

1. Try new things together

The thing about a new relationship is not just the romance. It's that it's new, and new things stimulate our brains. Every now and then, try out new experiences together. Take a cooking class, volunteer at a food bank, or take tennis lessons together. Learning something new can help you to recapture that warm, fuzzy feeling.

2. Surprise your partner

Small surprises keep the excitement going and will help to stop you from getting stuck in a rut. The possibilities are endless: treat them to a weekend away, bring them breakfast in bed, cook a special meal, or come home with a small gift. Small surprises

3. Enjoy date nights with your partner

During the early days of a relationship, most couples go out regularly on dates. But as time passes, going out for coffee, to the cinema or for dinner is often swapped for watching a box set on the couch. Reinforce your relationship by scheduling quality time together as often as you can.

4. Talk to each other

Don't forget to talk about what's important. Once a relationship becomes a habit, it's easy to forget all the romantic things you used to say. Don't stop expressing your emotions and telling your partner that you love them.

5. Build anticipation with messages

When you're away, text messages help to build excitement about when you meet up again. Spicing things up with some sexy messages is an easy way to rekindle the flame in your relationship.

6. Get physical

Frequent physical contact expresses intimacy and affection, essential for a healthy long term relationship. Give your partner a hug or a cuddle when they leave for work or arrive home, or touch their arm as you pass them. Physical contact doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex. But if your sex life is underwhelming, Bach Flower Mix 41 can help to treat a lack of desire.

7. Create goals together

Establish some goals that you can aim for as a couple. Your targets could be anything from saving for a mortgage deposit, running a marathon, or ticking off destinations on your travel bucket list. Shared goals not only let you work as a team, but they also give you things to do together and plenty of topics to talk about.

8. Spending time with others who have good relationships

Spending time with other couples who share your values and are in strong, long term relationships can reinforce your own commitment. Positive role models help to inspire and motivate you to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.

9. Talk about your dreams and aspirations

When you were first dating and getting to know one another, you probably talked about your aspirations and dreams. As time passes, these types of conversations tend to get forgotten. We assume we know everything there is to know about our partner. Make time to discuss your goals and future hopes, and help each other to bring these dreams to life.

10. Stay curious

As a relationship matures, people tend to change the type of questions they ask each other. "What is your earliest memory?" gets replaced with" Did you remember to buy milk?". Rather than keeping the conversation superficial, ask your partners opinions and thoughts about their past, as well as about current events and topics.

A final thought

While focusing on your relationship, don't forget to look after yourself. If your life is very intertwined with that of your partner's, you're at risk of losing your own identity. Make sure your own hobbies, friendships and interests aren't squeezed out. Establishing and maintaining autonomy and independence will rekindle your attraction for each other.


Marie Pure

Other articles


Subtle signs your child is unhappy

Subtle signs your child is unhappy

According to figures from the World Health Organisation, more than 260 million people worldwide suffer from depression. And it's not only adults who are diagnosed with this illness. Children as young as three or four years old can experience depression.

Read the complete article

Six things we think will make us happy, but don't!

Six things we think will make us happy, but don't!

When you think about things that will make you happy, what are the images that come to mind? Wealth, beauty, a dream house, long holidays, a top of the range car? Happiness is not a constant and how happy we feel depends on the way we choose to live our lives. 

Read the complete article

What makes it so hard to go back to school

What makes it so hard to go back to school?

Going back to school during a pandemic is a new experience for everyone, and it's understandable if children are feeling anxious about it. We take a look at some of the issues and how you can help your child to get ready for returning to the classroom.

Read the complete article

Find out if you're suffering from imposter syndrome

Find out if you're suffering from imposter syndrome

Do you sometimes feel your achievements are not the result of your hard work and skill but are just luck? And do you fear that one day, someone will reveal you as an imposter or fraud? You might have imposter syndrome!

Read the complete article

Can you accept things you can't change Take our quiz!

Can you accept things you can't change? Take our quiz!

Your relationship ends, or you lose your job, and you get stuck in a rut of negative thoughts and suffering. How good are you at letting go of grudges and accepting that some things are beyond your control? Take our quiz to find out!

Read the complete article

Is your sex life putting your relationship at risk

Is your sex life putting your relationship at risk?

Sexual desire is a complex interaction of hormones, emotions and well-being. When your partner is not as interested in sex as you are, it’s rarely a rejection of you as a person. So it’s essential to be as empathetic as you can regarding your differing libidos.

Read the complete article

How to spice up your life

How to spice up your life

Do you feel you're always doing the same things and not getting anywhere? It's common to feel stuck in a rut, treading water and just going through the motions.

Read the complete article

12 easy ways to get people to like you

12 easy ways to get people to like you

Have you ever noticed that some people are instantly likeable? Many people believe that people will only like you because of natural traits you're born with: good looks, talent and sociability. But this is a misconception. Getting people to like you is within your control, and it's all to do with self-belief, knowing yourself and being emotionally intelligent. Here's what to do to be more likeable.

Read the complete article

7 Reasons Why Your Child is Underperforming

7 Reasons Why Your Child is Underperforming

As parents, we often worry about a poor school report as much, if not more, as our kids do! And if your child's grades are slipping, you'll be looking for reasons and if there's anything you can do to help.

Read the complete article

10 Tips to get the best out of every day

10 Tips to get the best out of every day

When we’re stuck in a bit of a rut, the days and nights slip past so quickly that we barely notice them. But life is not a rehearsal!

Read the complete article

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