Summer is a distant memory and winter has been heralded in. On the downside daylight hours are shorter and dark nights are longer, but on the upside there are the holidays to look forward to, when most of us seem to lose ourselves in a frenzy of shopping, feasting and partying. Unfortunately, some people dread this time of the year and the holidays, because for them – and you may be one of them – it is not the most wonderful time of the year at all. It is one of the loneliest.
If the thought of the festivities is making you feel down and disheartened, you are not alone. Hundreds of thousands of people feel the same way. Many will feel lonely because they have lost someone important to them – perhaps through bereavement, separation or divorce - or because their loved ones are far away. Or it may be that you are socially very introverted and find it difficult to make friends or mix with others.
People who are lonely will take no pleasure in watching others sparkle and shine. They will see how others are engaging and connecting with their friends and loved ones and this may well make them feel sad and isolated. If you are lonely, the chances are that you are missing the intimacy of close relationships. You will feel rejection keenly, and your perceived failure to make friends or enjoy yourself may make you feel very negative. It becomes a vicious circle - a fear of failing to connect with others, which means you won’t try, which makes you feel lonelier. You have to try to break the circle.
You can’t get back what you have lost, but you can make some efforts and improve your life a little so that you can get through these few weeks until life returns to normal. Whatever the cause of your loneliness during the holiday season, here are some tips to help you see the festivities through.
If you hold yourself back thanks to your introversion or social anxiety, set yourself some small goals that will take you a little way out of your comfort zone. Buy a cheerful festive jumper and attend one or two gatherings, perhaps with work, with your family, or the local community. You don’t have to stay till the bitter end, an hour here or there will really help you feel more involved with others.
Hand in hand with the tip above is for you to take an emotional risk. Be proactive. If you’re not receiving invites to parties, invite yourself to one, or just reach out to a few people and arrange a get together. Alternatively, get yourself into conversations that may elicit invitations. You ask, “What are you up to this weekend/during the break/over the holiday?” and they will tell you and then enquire about you. When you say, “Oh, I have no plans yet,” if they’re decent people they will ask you to join them.
If you are really struggling emotionally, try and arrange a series of small meetings, outings, coffees or meals with different people. This may help you to keep everything light and easy, plus keeping busy will take your mind off how you feel otherwise. This also sends a message that you do like people and want to see them, and that you are not pushing them away altogether.
You could set yourself the challenge of making sure everyone you know is reached out to. From saying hello to your neighbours and your dustbin men, to taking chocolates to your local librarians, find a hundred small ways to tell people you appreciate them. You’ll see how much of a difference you make to the world which should help to cheer you up and feel surrounded by good people.
Again, you don’t have to spend hours with a distant Aunt or Uncle, but catch up with them. Timetable things to do after your visit and let them know you can only stay till a certain time, then make the most of it. They may well be lonely too and will value the company.
If you really can’t bear the thought of being alone at Christmas, but don’t know where to turn, why not consider volunteering? There are many charitable organisations that need help at this time of year, such as homeless shelters and residential and care homes. You might end up serving meals, or sitting around singing songs, or watching old films. This is guaranteed to bring happiness to others and yourself. You’ll probably see how many other lonely people there are out there.
Your loneliness is caused by your preoccupation with something you are missing. It’s easy to say, but if you can switch your thoughts around to focus on what you do have, it may well be easier to dissipate your loneliness. If you have a warm house with material possessions and decent food, count those blessings. What about your life do you love? Friends, family, music, pets, your work, your hobbies? Consider them and take heart that you have them.
The holidays are a very good time to be kind to yourself. Buy that book you’ve wanted to read and make time to read it. Treat yourself to a massage in a spa, or have your own spa evening at home. Get a haircut. Make yourself a nice meal. Do things that show YOU that you love and value yourself.
What’s great about being alone? Peace and quiet? Doing what you want? Eating when you want? Decorating your house in the way you like? Consider this and make the most of your solitude. Embrace it. If you can learn to enjoy your own company you will feel happy when you’re alone, not lonely. If you have to spend a whole day alone, do what you want to do with it. Go out for a long walk, or sit on your sofa and watch endless episodes of your favourite box set. It’s your day. Enjoy it!
If you can help others who are lonely, wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing? You could join forums online to discuss the cause of your loneliness with others, be this bereavement or social anxiety for example. You could host a virtual Christmas online, or even a real gathering at your own home, for people in a similar position.
Whatever way you approach your loneliness over the holidays this year, remember that you are not alone, and don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do. Overcoming loneliness takes time, and you may need the help of a support group or a professional. Challenge yourself to rise to the occasion this year and see how far that gets you. Good luck!
Created by Tom Vermeersch
Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.
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If the thought of the festivities is making you feel down and disheartened, you are not alone. Hundreds of thousands of people feel the same way. Many will feel lonely because they have lost someone important to them – perhaps through bereavement, separation or divorce - or because their loved ones are far away. Or it may be that you are socially very introverted and find it difficult to make friends or mix with others.
People who are lonely will take no pleasure in watching others sparkle and shine. They will see how others are engaging and connecting with their friends and loved ones and this may well make them feel sad and isolated. If you are lonely, the chances are that you are missing the intimacy of close relationships. You will feel rejection keenly, and your perceived failure to make friends or enjoy yourself may make you feel very negative. It becomes a vicious circle - a fear of failing to connect with others, which means you won’t try, which makes you feel lonelier. You have to try to break the circle.
You can’t get back what you have lost, but you can make some efforts and improve your life a little so that you can get through these few weeks until life returns to normal. Whatever the cause of your loneliness during the holiday season, here are some tips to help you see the festivities through.
If you hold yourself back thanks to your introversion or social anxiety, set yourself some small goals that will take you a little way out of your comfort zone. Buy a cheerful festive jumper and attend one or two gatherings, perhaps with work, with your family, or the local community. You don’t have to stay till the bitter end, an hour here or there will really help you feel more involved with others.
Hand in hand with the tip above is for you to take an emotional risk. Be proactive. If you’re not receiving invites to parties, invite yourself to one, or just reach out to a few people and arrange a get together. Alternatively, get yourself into conversations that may elicit invitations. You ask, “What are you up to this weekend/during the break/over the holiday?” and they will tell you and then enquire about you. When you say, “Oh, I have no plans yet,” if they’re decent people they will ask you to join them.
If you are really struggling emotionally, try and arrange a series of small meetings, outings, coffees or meals with different people. This may help you to keep everything light and easy, plus keeping busy will take your mind off how you feel otherwise. This also sends a message that you do like people and want to see them, and that you are not pushing them away altogether.
You could set yourself the challenge of making sure everyone you know is reached out to. From saying hello to your neighbours and your dustbin men, to taking chocolates to your local librarians, find a hundred small ways to tell people you appreciate them. You’ll see how much of a difference you make to the world which should help to cheer you up and feel surrounded by good people.
Again, you don’t have to spend hours with a distant Aunt or Uncle, but catch up with them. Timetable things to do after your visit and let them know you can only stay till a certain time, then make the most of it. They may well be lonely too and will value the company.
If you really can’t bear the thought of being alone at Christmas, but don’t know where to turn, why not consider volunteering? There are many charitable organisations that need help at this time of year, such as homeless shelters and residential and care homes. You might end up serving meals, or sitting around singing songs, or watching old films. This is guaranteed to bring happiness to others and yourself. You’ll probably see how many other lonely people there are out there.
Your loneliness is caused by your preoccupation with something you are missing. It’s easy to say, but if you can switch your thoughts around to focus on what you do have, it may well be easier to dissipate your loneliness. If you have a warm house with material possessions and decent food, count those blessings. What about your life do you love? Friends, family, music, pets, your work, your hobbies? Consider them and take heart that you have them.
The holidays are a very good time to be kind to yourself. Buy that book you’ve wanted to read and make time to read it. Treat yourself to a massage in a spa, or have your own spa evening at home. Get a haircut. Make yourself a nice meal. Do things that show YOU that you love and value yourself.
What’s great about being alone? Peace and quiet? Doing what you want? Eating when you want? Decorating your house in the way you like? Consider this and make the most of your solitude. Embrace it. If you can learn to enjoy your own company you will feel happy when you’re alone, not lonely. If you have to spend a whole day alone, do what you want to do with it. Go out for a long walk, or sit on your sofa and watch endless episodes of your favourite box set. It’s your day. Enjoy it!
If you can help others who are lonely, wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing? You could join forums online to discuss the cause of your loneliness with others, be this bereavement or social anxiety for example. You could host a virtual Christmas online, or even a real gathering at your own home, for people in a similar position.
Whatever way you approach your loneliness over the holidays this year, remember that you are not alone, and don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do. Overcoming loneliness takes time, and you may need the help of a support group or a professional. Challenge yourself to rise to the occasion this year and see how far that gets you. Good luck!
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It happens to everyone at times: we start doubting ourselves. We worry about the decisions and whether we can face future challenges that life has in store. And sometimes we feel that we just aren't good enough.
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Do you suffer from a disorder known as "musturbation"? This term was first coined in the 1950s by psychotherapist Albert Ellis and described the way a negative inner voice rules our minds and bludgeons us with words such as "must", "should", and "ought".
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