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The consequences for children after a divorce

The consequences for children after a divorce

Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.

For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.

Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.

Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.

In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.

Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.

The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.

For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.

It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.

Created by Tom Vermeersch

Tom Vermeersch

Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.

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The consequences for children after a divorce

The consequences for children after a divorce
The consequences for children after a divorce

Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.

For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.

Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.

Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.

In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.

Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.

The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.

For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.

It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.




Bach flowers mix 56: Divorce

Bach flowers mix 56 helps to:

  • Deal with grief caused by the divorce
  • Pick your life back up
  • Deal with this new situation smoothly
  • Step into the future full of confidence
  • Stop worry anxiously about the children
Discover how Bach flowers mix 56 can help you
Marie Pure

Other articles


Why not me

Why not me?

It's natural to compare our own lives with those of others - weighing up the pros and cons of situations helps us make decisions. But there can be a downside when you find you're constantly comparing yourself with others, envying their seemingly perfect lives and wondering why they are luckier, more prosperous, and better looking than you.

Read the complete article

verleden-loslaten

Letting go of the past: 5 tips

Lynn Anderson told it very nicely in her song “I beg your pardon; I never promised you a rose garden”. Life isn’t all roses and everybody experiences something they would rather not once in their life.

Read the complete article

Letting go A guide for survivors

Letting go: A guide for survivors

Facing the loss of a family member or close friend is probably one of the most difficult challenges that life throws at us. When we've lost a partner, parent, brother or sister, we're likely to experience intense grief.

Read the complete article

10 Tips to get the best out of every day

10 Tips to get the best out of every day

When we’re stuck in a bit of a rut, the days and nights slip past so quickly that we barely notice them. But life is not a rehearsal!

Read the complete article

How to stop everything going wrong

How to stop everything going wrong

Do you always feel that everything’s always going wrong? Find out how to stop this cycle of bad thoughts in its tracks. When you think positively, things will start to appear positive and you will eventually feel more positive and optimistic.

Read the complete article

How to break your bad habits

How to break your bad habits

Bad habits waste your energy and time. They disrupt your life, risk your health and stop you from achieving your aims. So why do we do them? And what can we do to break our bad habits?

Read the complete article

I don't want to!

I don't want to!

Motivation can be somewhat elusive - some days, you just can't seem to make yourself do the stuff you don't want to. But putting things off just leads to stress, frustration and a sense of guilt.

Read the complete article

Hiding a depression find out if someone you know - or you yourself! - is doing this

Hiding a depression: find out if someone you know - or you yourself! - is doing this

It's not always easy to tell if someone has depression. While some signs such as sadness, pessimism and withdrawal from social interaction are easy to recognise, other symptoms may be less obvious. And some people are very good at hiding their depression - even from themselves!

Read the complete article

Simple tips to not be afraid of the future

Simple tips to not be afraid of the future

No one knows what the future holds, so don't waste time and energy worrying about it. Read our tips and find out how to stop being afraid of what might never happen.

Read the complete article

goede-voornemens

A new year, a new me

It’s such a positive thing to do and hope springs eternal, so why not commit yourself to a change this year? Here’s our tips on how to stick to your new year’s resolutions.

Read the complete article

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