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Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.
For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.
Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.
Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.
In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.
Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.
The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.
For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.
It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.
Created by Tom Vermeersch
Tom Vermeersch is a certified Psychologist and Bach flower expert with more than 30 years of experience.
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Many parents worry about the consequences for children after a divorce because they understand that such a situation involves a massive upheaval for all involved. Divorce is not necessarily the issue for children, it is more the uncertainty that follows.
For some children there is the devastation of the realisation that their parents just don’t love each other anymore, and suddenly they find themselves torn between two houses. Life changes significantly and this can create a challenge for the children and the adults who care for them.
Some consequences for children after a divorce will depend on the age of the child. On the one hand a younger child may adapt more quickly, however divorce can mean the child becomes more dependent and needs more reassurance. An older child may become more independent more quickly, and sometimes may have anger issues to one or both parents, and these can manifest themselves in a number of different behaviours. A young child may become more regressive and an older child more aggressive, although actually you may find the reverse to be true with your own child. It depends on the individual.
Theoretically you can understand why these behaviours occur. Young children are dependent on their parents, and their family is their world, so a young child may have their foundations badly shaken, and feel insecure and unsure about this new world. An older child is more reliant on their friends anyway, and has begun moving in the wider world, so divorce can accelerate their desire for independence and, in some cases, escape from the home situation.
In either case, the child will suddenly find themselves being transported between one parent and the other. The family unit has been split. It is now unfamiliar and unstable. The child can access one parent or the other, never both at the same time. An older child may adjust more quickly to this situation, but a young child may well desire that both come together again and take longer to accept what has happened.
Any child may well fear the future. The environment that was once so sacrosanct for them has disappeared and they may well find life more frightening than before and worry that other ‘bad’ things will happen to them. A young child may become clingier, start to wet the bed, cry, have tantrums or whine a lot. They may suddenly forget how to care for themselves – washing, grooming, brushing teeth etc. This behaviour is attention seeking, designed to reassure the child that s/he is still loved.
The older child, more independent, may become more rebellious – in terms of discipline, dress etc. They may become sexually active younger than expected, they may have self-esteem issues. They may become distant and defiant and self-interested, because at a deep level, they believe that they need to look after themselves now. In return the parent may offer them increased responsibility within the family and the accountability that goes with that.
For parents, the immediate aftermath of a divorce necessitates three things that will restore their offspring’s trust: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance. The child needs to know what to expect, and feel loved. Adjustment can take a couple of years, and this time frame will be extended if they are blended into a new family.
It is not all doom and gloom however. Research in the USA has shown that some children feel relief when their parents separate, as the family situation is tough when there is a great deal of angst and acrimony. Waiting until the children are older is not necessarily a wise decision, because children know when there is little love lost between their parents, and many children are more than happy to see both parents thrive after a divorce. Seeing happiness after a divorce, no matter where it blooms, will gladden any heart, eventually.
Bad habits waste your energy and time. They disrupt your life, risk your health and stop you from achieving your aims. So why do we do them? And what can we do to break our bad habits?
As nice as it is for a person to celebrate New Year, it's not so nice for a dog, especially when the loud fireworks go off the whole night. This is really frightening for many dogs. Read our 7 tips on how you can help your dog with his fear of fireworks.
Do you expect more from others than they are prepared to give? Signs that you may be asking too much - and how to break the pattern.
Motivation can be somewhat elusive - some days, you just can't seem to make yourself do the stuff you don't want to. But putting things off just leads to stress, frustration and a sense of guilt.
Irrational anxieties can seem overwhelming, affecting every aspect of your life. Learn how to beat your fears and worries and take back control.
Lynn Anderson told it very nicely in her song “I beg your pardon; I never promised you a rose garden”. Life isn’t all roses and everybody experiences something they would rather not once in their life.
Read the complete article
Going back to school during a pandemic is a new experience for everyone, and it's understandable if children are feeling anxious about it. We take a look at some of the issues and how you can help your child to get ready for returning to the classroom.
What can you do if your kid doesn't want to go back to school? Here are our hints and tips to help if your child is expressing a refusal to go to school.
As parents, we often worry about a poor school report as much, if not more, as our kids do! And if your child's grades are slipping, you'll be looking for reasons and if there's anything you can do to help.
Do you feel you’re always criticising and judging everyone, yourself included? Do you feel bad about it afterwards? You’re certainly not alone! Read on to discover how you can judge less and start to accept things the way they are.
Bach Flowers are not medicinal but harmless plant extracts which are used to support health.
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